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lyrics

If I was a postman I'd never deliver
If I was a vegan I'd feed on liver
If I was a news reader I read with a smile
Bad news in a good news style

If I was a doctor I'd kill the patients
If I was a druid I'd say 'Screw the ancients!'
If I was best man I'd say commiserations mate
Your wife's a pig, big mistake

If I was a sprinter I'd walk the races
If I was a flutist I'd buy double basses
If I was an archivist I would erase this track
And set all my hard drives to format

If I was a pair of bellows I'd just suck
If I was a lucky charm I'd be bad luck
If I was an ebow, yo, I'd just pluck the strings
I want slow notes but I get pings


I'm conflicted
Yeah yeah
I'm conflicted
No no
Yeah I'm a sick kid a little bit twisted
I spit on my biscuits coz I'm conflicted

If I had rot I'd pull out the good tooth
If I had wisdom I'd waste my whole youth
If I had stairs I'd jump off the roof and
Climb up the drain pipe at the same time

If I had knees I'd land with straight legs
If I had class I'd drink all your dregs
If I had mates they'd be hated by me
But I'd hang out with them constantly

If I had a dog I'd walk the cat
If I had a cake I'd eat a cow pat
If I had a ball I'd throw the bat and shout
"HOWZAT!" when I hear your cheekbone crack

If I had pride I'd hang my head
If I had bladder control I'd wet the bed
If I had joie de vivre I'd wake the dead and
Run around shouting "EAT ME!" til I got found

I'm conflicted
Yeah yeah
I'm conflicted
No no
Yeah I'm a sick kid a little bit twisted
I spit on my biscuits coz I'm conflicted

If I was greedy I'd feed the poor
If I was houseproud I'd wee the floor
If I was brave I'd flee the war
And then I'd be on tour saying I beat them raw

If I was cynical I'd be naive
If I was enormous I'd be tiny
If I was Korean I'd be Chinese
If I was B.I.G. I'd rep the Eastsieed,


I'm conflicted
Yeah yeah
I'm conflicted
No no
Yeah I'm a sick kid a little bit twisted
I spit on my biscuits coz I'm conflicted

credits

from Hello My Name Is Simon Panrucker, released November 5, 2014

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about

Simon Panrucker Bristol, UK

When not writing songs for Cartoon Network's Clarence, Simon explodes novelty rap and turbo pop from his funglands for the absolute pleasure or total dismay of all and sundry.

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