Conflicted

from Hello My Name Is Simon Panrucker by Simon Panrucker

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lyrics

If I was a postman I'd never deliver
If I was a vegan I'd feed on liver
If I was a news reader I read with a smile
Bad news in a good news style

If I was a doctor I'd kill the patients
If I was a druid I'd say 'Screw the ancients!'
If I was best man I'd say commiserations mate
Your wife's a pig, big mistake

If I was a sprinter I'd walk the races
If I was a flutist I'd buy double basses
If I was an archivist I would erase this track
And set all my hard drives to format

If I was a pair of bellows I'd just suck
If I was a lucky charm I'd be bad luck
If I was an ebow, yo, I'd just pluck the strings
I want slow notes but I get pings

I'm conflicted
Yeah yeah
I'm conflicted
No no
Yeah I'm a sick kid a little bit twisted
I spit on my biscuits coz I'm conflicted

If I had rot I'd pull out the good tooth
If I had wisdom I'd waste my whole youth
If I had stairs I'd jump off the roof and
Climb up the drain pipe at the same time

If I had knees I'd land with straight legs
If I had class I'd drink all your dregs
If I had mates they'd be hated by me
But I'd hang out with them constantly

If I had a dog I'd walk the cat
If I had a cake I'd eat a cow pat
If I had a ball I'd throw the bat and shout
"HOWZAT!" when I hear your cheekbone crack

If I had pride I'd hang my head
If I had bladder control I'd wet the bed
If I had joie de vivre I'd wake the dead and
Run around shouting "EAT ME!" til I got found

I'm conflicted
Yeah yeah
I'm conflicted
No no
Yeah I'm a sick kid a little bit twisted
I spit on my biscuits coz I'm conflicted

If I was greedy I'd feed the poor
If I was houseproud I'd wee the floor
If I was brave I'd flee the war
And then I'd be on tour saying I beat them raw

If I was cynical I'd be naive
If I was enormous I'd be tiny
If I was Korean I'd be Chinese
If I was B.I.G. I'd rep the Eastsieed,

I'm conflicted
Yeah yeah
I'm conflicted
No no
Yeah I'm a sick kid a little bit twisted
I spit on my biscuits coz I'm conflicted